Luigi and Pavi Go To the Beach
by Magical Shovel
Summary: The awaited sequel to Luigi and Pavi Go To the Zoo. What happens when the two Largo fratelli decide to take a day for themselves and go to the beach? Once more, hilarity shall ensue.
1. Out!

**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Terrance Zdunich and Darren Smith. Go Repo! 8D

**Author's Note:** I began writing this in the summer of '09, roughly after the 'Zoo' fan fiction. So, it's a bit different from my current flair or so I assume. I can't apologize for Luigi's offensive language. If I did, he would shank me. D8 Annnd… WELCOME TO THE LONG-AWAITED SEQUEL.

* * *

It was just another day in the Largo household. It was mid-July with the sun shining high in the sky. Although the sun shone, it was still morning. The heat was dreadful, however. Everyone resided inside where it was cool. The central air clicked, roaring like a menacing dinosaur. Besides, we all know that dinosaurs are badass except when they take the form of an air conditioner.

Pavi Largo was bored. Very bored. Amber was boring. She was on a Zydrate binge as usual. He had no clue where Luigi was. That left his father to bother. Pavi sat in the chair next to Rotti's massive desk. Now, let Shovel side track for a moment. Why do business CEOs have huge desks? Well, to make for their small… Ahem. You should catch Shovel's drift. Paviche smiled pleasantly, adjusting his hair in the mirror.

"Papa."

"…" Rotti shifted his paperwork. Things were in dire need of settlement.

Pavi cleared his throat. Rotti did his best to ignore him. The youngest son was indeed an attention whore. It was the sad truth. _Don't pay attention to him and he'll go away… _The head of GeneCo thought to himself.

"Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa-"

"YOU'RE THIRTY YEARS OLD WITH THE MENTALITY OF A FIVE YEAR OLD."

So that's where Luigi received his short temper from.

"Sorry Papa." Rotti merely shook his head in irritancy, lifting the pen to scribble out his signature in approval. _My children are annoyances. Clowns. Screw-ups. Their mothers are to blame_. Five minutes later, Pavi was at it again.

"Papa…"

"**What** Paviche?" Tension rose in his voice. How was he to attend to his business with his son constantly blabbing away? He rubbed his temples before looking back to his youngest son. Rotti sighed heavily. Couldn't he just go and annoy his siblings? It's not like they had anything to do

The raven-haired male flashed a broad grin worthy of modeling. "Nothing," he giggled like a small child.

The situation repeated for a few more times before Rotti completely snapped, "GET OUT!" His voice was eerily similar to the demon in the _Amityville Horror. _

"Aw…" Pavi slowly slunk towards the door. He purred out his words upon pivoting on heel, "Can I-a have some-a money?"

_So that's what he wanted._ "How much?" Rotti muttered in aggravation.

"One-a thousand?"

"For what, Son?" _Don't say penis enlargement. Don't say penis enlargement._

"The-a zoo?"

Rotti's face lit up as he pumped a fist, unlike his normally stoic behavior. He jumped out of his seat with newly found enthusiasm, "I'm coming!" He remembered when his sons had went to the zoo the previous time. Oh, how he wished that he could have went! Rotti furiously scribbled out the check, handing it over to Pavi.

Pavi took the check in victory, "Oh. Did the Pavi say the-a zoo? I-a meant the-a hair salon." He didn't need his father tagging along with him. That was just wrong and weird in too many ways. After all, Rotti was… How old, exactly? Probably as old as the stone age.

"Oh…" His father cleared his throat, sitting back down. Disappointment flickered throughout his face. He shuffled his papers, "I see. Well, enjoy your… hair salon visit."

"Gratzi! Te amo, Papa!" With something like a jump, Pavi bolted out of the room.

Rotti rolled his eyes at the Italian, though he pouted.

"I wanted to go to the zoo…"

"LUIGI! FRATELLO!" Pavi shouted at the top of his lungs. Where was Luigi anyway?

"What the fuck is it!?" Right on schedule. His voice barked out the demand upon slamming open a door. A beloved knife of his had been coated with a layer of blood. He held a cup of coffee in his other hand, "Took forever to get the right flavor."

"You-a drink _flavored_ coffee?"

"…Shut up. Now what do you want?"

"Do you-a want to-a go to the-a beach with-a the Pavi, Fratello?"

"I guess. I mean… I _was_ going to go slaughter a few cats, but- Why are you asking me? Are you planning something?" Suspicion rose in Luigi as he glared at his brother.

"No-a reason. I'm-a bored and-a…." He held up the check, wiggling his brows.

"Awesome! Did you sleep with Dad to get that?"

"Ew-a! No! Let's ask-a sister-"

Amber burst out of her room, "No! I don't want to go to the fucking beach, you fracking idiots."

"Fine. Be that fracking way!"

"Besides, I burn easily," she slunk back into her unusually dark and sketchy room. Who knew what went on in there. Pavi simply rolled his cerulean eyes, "She-a means her-a skin will-a melt off." Luigi snickered.

"IT WILL NOT. YOU. YOU… MOTHER FUCKING SNAKES."

"Say-a what?"

"She watched _Snakes On A Plane _while she was high last night."

"Oh-a." It made sense.

"Sooo…"

"…" Pavi was busy checking himself out in the mirror.

"Pavi!" Paviche giggled, tucking away the mirror in order to assure that it was out of his brother's line of sight. Luigi shook his head, snatching it before Pavi could do so. He shoved it into a dresser drawer "C'mon, Faggo." They walked together at a leisurely pace to the limousine. The driver nervously plucked at his shirt collar. It was _them_. He had driven them both the the zoo and back, trying to determine their exact relationship.

"Oh… Lordy."

They entered the limo. With a deep breath of air, the driver pounded his fist into his hand. _That's it. They're gay lovers. _

"Get a fucking move on."

"Sorry, Sir."

"You fucking better be."

After a few minutes, Luigi developed a sudden realization… "Hey Pavi."

"Si, Luigi?"

"…I don't have a swim suit." He fidgeted uncomfortably, voice hushed.

"Say-a what."

"I DON'T HAVE A BLEEPING SWIMSUIT."

"We'll-a go-a get you-a one, then! We'll-a buy other stuff-a, too!"


	2. Swimsuit Shopping

The limousine pulled up at none other than Walmart. According to Amber, it was the place where people went to buy "walls… and stuff." Their sister was only aware of elite stores such as Hoochie Mama and Twigs 'R' Us (Shovel sure hopes that these stores don't actually exist).

"Walmart?"

"Si. It's-a cheap."

"Cheap? Since when did you start caring about effin' money?"

"Since I-a was a paper gangster!" He performed a flamboyant twirl, striking a pose that only a model would muster. He had been listening to far too much of Lady Gaga.

"…What?" Luigi was lost. He never truly understood pop culture references or allusions. He scratched his head, making way towards the entrance with Pavi not too far behind.

"Oh mah gawdz, eet's Luigi an' Pavi Largo!"

"…" Luigi shot a fierce glare, gritting his teeth. He quickly lost control, "Oh mah gawdz, it's a fucking peasant!" Stabbity, stab, stab. That was the end of that Walmart greeter. Hopefully, those applying to Walmart in the future have learned a very valuable lesson. From this day on, there was a different greeter every single time, because of Luigi effin' Largo.

Pavi stopped, pointing towards the Intimate Apparel. He held up a pair of thongs, "These're-a perfect for-a you!" Luigi's eyes bugged out. His jaw nearly hit the floor. The eldest Largo harshly pulled his younger brother away.

"What the fuck're you trying to pull, you fucking dimwit? Are you trying to make me fucking gay?" Pavi merely flashed an innocent look before striding towards the men's swimwear.

"Try-a this on… And-a this. And-a that. Oh! And-a this!" Luigi was covered by a mountain of clothing. His body trembled from yet another fit of ongoing rage, "Fuck Pavi. Some of this shit isn't even swimwear." Pavi was too busy to respond, however. The younger Largo was busy flirting with a woman. Luigi gave an annoyed sigh before entering the changing room.

Through stabbing and ripping apart many outfits, he found… The One. Just like your seemingly eternal search for the One to make your life complete; it called to him. It said, _Luigiiiiiiiiiii…. You know you want meeeeeee._ (But not really.) Luigi stepped out of the changing room.

An elderly woman happened to walk by and halted in her pace. She shrieked in sheer agony. Her eyes widened as the pain worked it's magic, "GAH! My eyes! Come take my eyes! I would rather be blind!" No, that was not Blind Mag. However, that day Mag happened to be there and this poor, pained woman happened to be the source of her inspiration.

"…"

"Hah. You-a can't see-a at all! And-a! You're a no Mag! Go-a home!" As Pavi spoke, the woman crashed into a random wall. Yes, kids. Walls can be random, especially if they block your way. A pile of purses muffled her madness.

"I look like a fucking dork…"

Pavi turned around, "No! Oh no! No, you-a don't!" He flailed his hands in protest, though he stifled a giggle.

"See! I do. You're a fucking, panty wearing liar!"

"No-a."

"Yuh huh."

"No-a!"

"Yes, you are!" He stomped his feet angrily.

"No-a! I'm not wearing panties!"

"Prove it." Luigi should have regretted ever uttering those words.

"…Bah Hahahah!" Pavi slapped his knees, bursting into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. After a few minutes and death glares from Luigi, Paviche eventually calmed down. He wiped the tears from his eyes, "Dorktard!"

"Say what?"

"You-a look like a-uh dorktard."

"I think you're high on your own laughter."

"Maybe. Maybe-a not."

Luigi groaned, walking back into the room. He slammed the door shut as quickly as possible and hurriedly changed back into his attire. He held the swim suit as it snugly rested upon the hanger like that a perched bird. What did the suit look like? Well… Remember the old movies where the handsome stud wears the one-piece suit? It looked like that plus the red and white stripes.

"The heck're you doing?" He arched a brow. Pavi turned around, adjusting his button-down shirt, "Nothing." Luigi walked towards his brother, "**You** were shoplifting! Ha! Imagine that. The great playboy, Pavi Largo, stealing from a Walmart!"

"Shh!" Pavi put a finger to his false lips. Together, the Largo fratelli walked towards the registers. Luigi threw the suit onto the register lane thing whom Shovel couldn't remember the name of. (She was shanked by Luigi as a result). Pavi tossed a pack of gum on top of the hideous… swim suit thing, because that was all it could be reduced to- a piece of cloth made somewhere foreign.

"Get that off."

"Ah… What?"

"The gum. Off. Now."

"Why-a?"

"Because I said so."

"That-a doesn't work. You're-a not mi Papa! I'll-a pay you-a later."

"No, you won't. I know you. You're a cheap, slimy bastard."

Too late. It was all to no avail. The cashier had already scanned the chewing gum. Luigi fell to his knees, cursing to the Gods. His shout was all in vain even if it was in slow motion, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO…."

"That'll be $13.95," the cashier rolled her eyes.

"Yeah. $12.96 for the swim suit." _Even though it's as fugly as sin._ "And $0. 99 for the gum."

"Huh…" He quickly gave over the amount, receiving his change.

Meanwhile, the chauffeur drummed his fingers upon the dark, steering wheel. He looked around, not noticing anyone to be around. Thus, he began to sing… "I never meant to start a war. So, why does love have to feel like a BATTLEFIELD. BATTLEFIELD-" Shovel hated that song by the way. It was a rip off of Pat Benatar's and it was overplayed.

The two Largos entered the car. Pavi laughed as he clapped, "Bravi! Bravissime! You-a could be-a in the-a Genetic Opera!"

Luigi called out irritably, "Stfu and drive."

The driver was terribly flushed, "Yes, Sir."

And they were off… To the beach.


	3. At the Beach

Luigi wore a GeneCo cap, his traditional ascot (with duckies for the beach theme), and his sleeves were rolled up. He was busy posting something of (no) importance on his iPhone. Yes, Largos have iPhones. Shovel does not, because they're of no use to her. She just needs a regular cell to CALL PEOPLE. Remember those days before texting? Whilst Luigi was preoccupied, Pavi was busy wrestling the beach towel.

The younger Largo was shirtless, clad in only a pair of shorts that hung low on his hips. Fangirls whom happened to walk by both shrieked and ogled the site before them. Women cat-called. Pavi truly did steal all of the hearts. He was in a position similar to a push-up. His hands were on the upper corners of the towel whilst his feet were on the lower sections.

"I'm stuck with my stupid, faggy brother at the fuckin' beach. FML," thus read the message that Luigi had posted.

"Fratello, help-a the Pavi! I-a need some-a weight on the-a towel!"

"Wha? Are you calling me _fat_?" Luigi Largo was entirely serious as he uttered this question. He was shooting a glare of death at his little brother that made Pavi gulp and panic just a bit.

"…" Pavi's face grew several shades lighter. A sweat drop. "No-a."

"I said…" Luigi cleared his throat, "Are. **You**. Calling. Me. FAT?!" Yes, each word had to be stressed out. That was how Luigi rolled.

"No-a! I-a just said that I-a need some-a weight on the-a blanket… Were you-a on Twitter?" Pavi arched a brow. He never expected his brother to be the type to have an account on that incredibly useless site. Really now, it was basically used for celebrities to brag about what they owned and what they were doing.

"…No," Luigi cleared his throat as he said that one-worded answer. Back to the topic, "And you called me fat! You implied it! Fuck you, Pavi. FUCK YOU WITH SOMETHING SHARP AND SANDPAPERY. I'm going to fucking kill you!"

_Ffft. Did Luigi steal some of sorella's Z before we left? _Pavi mused over this before Luigi scowled, whipping out one of his many knives. He thrust the dagger into the air, mimicking stabbing motions. Pavi kicked up into the air. Sand scrabbled onto the towel as a result. Pavi sprinted off into the distance with Luigi not too far behind. He ran… into the women's bathroom.

"Oh… Hi Mr. Largo…"

"Screw that. I'm not going in there. I have morals," so said the murdering psychopath as he put his foot down. Luigi retreated towards the towel, adjusting it so that it would be comfortable. Twenty minutes or so later, Pavi happened to reappear,

"Having fun, Fratello?"

"No. It's boring. It's hot. There's too many fucking peasants. They're everywhere." Luigi concluded his unintelligent rant, "I'm bored."

"What? You're-a boring? I-a guess so, you-a don't do-a anything…" He trailed off with a nonchalant tone.

"Did I say that?!" He shot the other male a fierce glare.

"Fa la la la~"

"Knock it off, you idiot. It's not effin' Christmas. And stop checking yourself out."

Pavi simply laughed it off, lowering the ornate mirror. A smile curved onto his lips, "If you're-a bored, think-a of something to-a do, Luigi."

"I don't want to."

"Wha?"

"I said that I don't fucking want to. You do it. You're not the boss of me. I'm my own person!" Apparently, Luigi was on a feminist streak.

"What-a are you-a talking about? Have-a you been-a visiting those-a Women's Power classes? For-a shame!" Apparently, Pavi just read Shovel's mind and now she is very, very scared…

"…No." He looked guilty. Luigi quickly brushed that topic aside, "It's not like you're any better. You're no Saint, Pavi. You're a little Devil. You bludgeon-"

"Have-a you been-a taking your-a meds-a! Ah! I've bet you-a have! That's-a why you're-a not on-a swearing rampage! And-a maybe I-a do."

"So what?! Just 'cuz I took my…" Everyone at the beached gawked at the two Largo fratelli. Luigi cleared his throat, "I can talk like a civilized person every now and then when I feel like it. I'm fully capable. So, screeee~eeeeeew you!"

"How-a cruel!" An effeminate gasp.

"Stop being a goddamned Drama Queen!"

"There's-a the Luigi the Pavi knows!"

"Uh-huh. Now, shut your fucking mouth."

"Awwww." T~T

"I'm bored."

Thus, the conversation continued this way for a good, long while. By this time, spectators had grown tired and dull from watching the scene. It was no longer amusing, but simply moronic. Everyone rolled over onto their sides, looking away from the two Largos. A collective sigh rose from the so-called 'peasants'.

"No-a! My-a people! Look at-a the Pavi! Look at-a me!" No one seemed to care by this point. Pavi cleared his throat lightly, "LOOK AT ME." It was not a request, but a demand. Everyone turned to gawk in surprise. Who knew that Paviche had such a ferocious temper like his brother. Then again, he was only like that when no one paid attention to him like a puppy.

"…Drama Queen," Luigi murmured under his breath.

A girl with long, ash blonde hair skipped across the beach. She had the hand-written words, 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' on her red cap. Yes, she was that obsessed. Her friend, with dark, shoulder-length hair, walked several paces behind. The red capped girl's mother was somewhere amongst the masses.

"Fa la la la~! We're at the beach!"

"It's not Christmas, yet! It's still summer, MS."

Oh yes, these were the human forms of none other than Magical Shovel and Aquaflame. In many ways, their minds were quite similar to Pavi's and Luigi's. Pavi sauntered towards them with a wry grin pressed onto his face. He smoothed his hair back, "How do-a you-a do-a?" Now, that wasn't a Rocky Horror Picture Show moment if Shovel hadn't seen one before.

Magical Shovel parted her lips to speak before swatting Pavi with her shell-collecting pail, "RAEPZ." Thus, she ran away. Actually, she pretty much bolted off like a cheetah as she went back to her mother whom she would dunk into the water for evil laughs. Yes, Shovel really did that last year.

Aquaflame rolled her eyes. Pavi turned to her with a calm smile. She responded by saying, "Oh hell no." Then, she proceeded to walk away. Pavi dropped to his knees, shaking his fists at the vengeful Gods before standing back up. You see, AF and MS were immune against Pavi's advances. They had no desire whatsoever to pair themselves with him. Yaoi, on the other hand… Shovel will not get smacked by AF for typing that one sentence. PAVIGI. FFFT. I SAID IT- Back to the story….

"Awww…" The Pavi was genuinely disappointed. He trudged back to the towel in defeat. Luigi was busy reading an article from 'Vanity and Vein'. What a surprise, eh? Even the celebs had to check the magazines in order to find out just what the hell they were doing in life.

"I-a have an-a idea! Why-a don't we-a go shell-a hunting?"

Luigi lowered the magazine with a thin frown, "You're serious."

"Si…" He smiled broadly.

"Fine," a defeated sigh.

"A-what?"

"I said 'fine', dimwit."

"You're-a not my-a brother! He-a would protest," Pavi said this and ran off.

"…" Luigi simply blinked.

Hm… Whatever was Miss Sweet up to?

* * *

**Author's Note**: Some of the ideas within this fanfic belong to Aquaflame68 and ChaosandMayhem (i.e. Luigi's swimsuit… Duckies on the ascot, etc. Without their help, I never would have had the motivation to begin writing this fanfic. ALSO… About the woman's power thing- It's a joke. I don't mean to offend anyone. I'm a girl and I know how it feels to be suppressed. Take it lightly, my friends. For this entire fan fiction is a joke.


	4. Z Me!

Someone was in desperate need of their fix. Amber Sweet rolled over on the couch, gazing up at the ceiling with surgically enhanced eyes. Her arm was hanging loosely over the side. Eyelids fluttered for a brief moment as her chest rose with a disappointing sigh.

_Maybe I should have went to the beach… I wonder what Graves would look like in a suit…_ Leave it to the fan girls to think up something like that.

She felt miserable for no reason at all. Amber Sweet needed Zydrate. She had to have it. She had to find it. Zydrate and surgery were her top priorities. They both shielded and protected her from the bitter place that the world had become.

Amber lazily rose from her current position. She staggered up right, adjusting her hair. The Scalpel Queen smoothed out her dress. High heels clicked upon the solid ground. Only one person could cure this seemingly endless depression. Who was this? GraveRobber.

The new plasma screen television collapsed on the ground. She winced, "Damnit!" Her dual bodyguards, like faithful lapdogs, walked by her side. Amber hopped into the limousine and was off into somewhere within the distance of the polluted sky.

The chauffeur tapped his fingers against the black steering wheel. He adjusted his cap, gazing into the rearview mirror with blue-gray eyes. _I thought Amber Sweet was addicted to the night… She's out during the day… Holy crap. That just means… The apocalypse is nigh!_

"Drive faster," Amber barked out the order.

"Yes, Miss Sweet." He obliged by picking up the pace.

He pulled up to an alleyway. The bodyguards stepped out of the vehicle, making sure the coast was clear. Haha. Coast. Beach… Get it? Shovel thought that little pun was hilarious, but the readers will most likely find it to be stupid.

Seeing that no one would get up and shank Amber, she was safe to leave the limo. The scalpel slut adjusted her attire, swaggering with her hands on her hips. She was trying to be seductive, but it inevitably failed according to MS.

"GraveRobber, GraveRober… Sometimes I wonder why I even bother…~"

"Shut up, you slut! No one wants you!" A voice in the distance countered hers. The youngest Largo huffed, stomping her feet. A gun loaded. A shot echoed. That was the end of that person.

"GraveRobber," she giggled as she opened the dumpsters lid. There laid GraveRobber in all of his glory. Sunlight streamed down upon his pale, vampire-like face. Cerulean eyes darted wide awake.

"Holy shit. I'm melting!" He flailed spastically.

"Z me!" Amber demanded. GraveRobber blinked before propping himself up. Now, he was cozily seated in his dumpster. It was far too late to go back to sleep.

"Why not?" She twitched before pouting her surgically enhanced lips. He murmured something about coffee, cigarettes, and an "ugly mug." Amber scowled, growing steadily agitated. GraveRobber really was a hobo when he wanted to be one.

"Because I said so."

"…"

"Yeah, I went there." A gasp. A whistle. Amber slapped her guards to make them knock it off. GraveRobber rubbed his eyes, climbing out of the dumpster that radiated an awful stench. Then again, Amber probably couldn't smell it since she had dead brain cells. The guards waved their hands in front of their noses and mouths.

"I can pay you in other ways…" Her tone lowered drastically to something a tad sultry. He rolled his eyes in mild annoyance, "No."

"What?" She practically shrieked and threw a hissy fit. It looked as if Amber Sweet was ready to commit murder."

"I said 'no'. No coffee. No Z. That's final. Buy me coffee and you'll get your Z, Bitch." Shovel always imagined GraveRobber calling people bitches…

"That's… So stupid! I'm never going to marry you!" She stomped off to return to the limousine. GraveRobber blinked. Did his eyes and ears deceive him? He sure hoped so. The peddler climbed back into his musty tomb, closing the lid. He shudder, "It's just a dream, Rob. Just a dream."

_Uh-oh. Judging by her sober state, she didn't get what she was looking for._ The chauffeur gulped, adjusting his neck tie.

"Hey… Car dude. Do you have any Z?"

"What? Why would I have Zydrate, Ma'am? I'm not a licensed source and I would never carry such a thing…It ruins people."

_Blah blah Zydrate blah blah blah Source._ Those were the only words that Amber heard. She screeched out 'Z me!' as she rather pathetically latched onto the chauffeur's headrest. The driver feared for his dear life. He had a wife and kids to care for, after all. Thus, he drove as quickly as he could go to the Largo's household.

"I don't have any Zydrate, Miss! Maybe someone else could offer you some?!"

She sat back in the car, instantly relaxing. Amber grinned cruelly, "Hm… Maybe…" As the chauffeur parked the vehicle in the front, the surgery addict bolted out of the vehicle and rushed into the house.

The driver grimaced, letting out a sigh of relief as soon as she had departed. Today would be a very fearful day for him. It was probable that he wouldn't escape the day without a few gray hairs to show off.

High heels stomped against the flooring. Amber walked straight to the elevator and pushed the power button. At first, nothing happened. Second try… Nothing. Third? Nada. Frustrated, she repeatedly pushed the button until the dual doors opened before her.

The scalpel addict hurried in and waited until the elevator reached the top floor. She tapped her heel impatiently against the carper. She fidgeted uncomfortably. At long last, the doors happened to reopen. The youngest Largo went straight into her father's office. She burst through the door like an angry bull.

The hen girls flinched simultaneously, ready to aim and fire. Questions were to be asked later. Rottissimo Largo sat at his desk, filling out rather important paperwork as always. He looked up at his daughter with a simple arch of the brow.

"Z me!" Amber demanded.

"…" Rotti stared blankly. He slowly rose, picking up a vial out of the middle of nowhere. Like a dog, Amber practically wagged her tail (if she had one. Let's hope she didn't). The King of GeneCo opened the window… And out went the little glass vial.

"Nooooo!" She cried out as she, too, jumped out of the window. Luckily for her, there was a trampoline ready thanks to her loyal bodyguards. Up and down she went whilst attempting to ingest the vial of Zydrate with her mouth.

"And that…" Rotti returned to his desk," is how you distract them. Yes, by throwing their precious belongings out the window. Let that be a valuable lesson."

"Yes, Sir," the Hench girls spoke in clear unison.

Now, back to the Largo fratelli…


	5. Shell Hunting

Author's Note: I apologize for the lack of chapters! D8 But I had rehearsals for the school play. Then, came the play. Into the woods. And now I'm finally out of the woods. Oh ho. So, yeah. My apologies! Sorry that this chapter is shorter compared to the rest as well. ;3; DON'T SHANK ME LIKE LUIGI, YOU GUYS.

* * *

Pavi Largo toted around a green, neon-colored pail with a shovel, of course. Luigi miserably trudged along. It was hot. It was sunny. If he could, he would stab the forever optimistic star.

"Look-a at this-a one!" He pointed to a horseshoe crab. It was very alive, yet Pavi was unaware of this little factor. The young Italian crouched, stretching his arm out to poke it. It's small eyes blinked once.

If this horseshoe crab could think or was even capable of a thought process, it would be probably be along the lines of… "What a doofus. Stop poking me. Damnit! STOP. POKING. MEEEEEE." We all know that horseshoe crabs are spazzes by nature.

"Poke-a. Poke. Poke-a." Poke. "Poke-a."

"Christ, Pavi. I know you didn't have an energy drink beforehand. Leave the mutated freak alone. Just because it's as fugly as you doesn't mean you have to assault it."

"…Poke-a." One final poke.

That did it. The poor horseshoe crab, whom we shall call Mike, did not like being poked. It was simply annoying. Kids with sticks and shovels did it all the damned time. Like a ninja, Mike latched onto Pavi's 'mask.'

"My-a face!" Pavi shrieked like a little girl. His arms flailed wildly into the air. No matter what he did, Mike refused to detach himself from Pavi's face.

Luigi pointed than cackled wickedly, "Hah! That's a good look for you. It suites you well. It's like you're a fucking alien or E.T.!" He wiped the tears of laughter from his cerulean eyes.

Pavi sniffled from underneath the crab, "Do-a you think-a so?" Well… At least he didn't have crabs elsewhere.

"No. Sarcasm, you tard."

"It's-a eating my-a face. My-a beautiful face, Fratello!"

Nom nom nom.. Mike moved to the top of Pavi's head. Voila. Presto. Instant crab hat. He instantly pulled out his mirror. No damage had been done, yet Mike now clung to the top of his head.

"Hm. The Pavi looks quite-a dashing like-a this."

"You're a vain idiot."

"Gratzi," he beamed proudly.

Luigi merely shook his head and trudged on. He spotted a black snail shell, picking it up. He rested it upon the palm of his hand. Cautiously, the snail crept around. Pavi mimicked Luigi.

A flock of seagulls suddenly landed on Luigi. They greedily competed for the lone snail. Luigi gritted his teeth, "Get the fuck off of me!" They blinked. The eldest Largo whipped out a knife, attempting to stab the gulls. Oh, how they would exact their revenge later on…

"How come they didn't land on you!" He angrily demanded.

A hawk randomly swooped in and stole Mike. Pavi gasped, "No-a! My-a friend! Mi amor! It-a took my-a friend…" Luigi gave Pavi a 'wtf' look as he sulked.

They continued to walk alongside the shore, picking up shells as they went. Pavi came to a halt upon arriving at a small tidal pool. He pointed at it, "Look-a, Fratello. Look-a at the-a tiny animaly thingies."

"….So?"

"So-a!" An effeminate gasp, "They're-a so small!"

"Like you." Oh. Ouch. What a blow to the lower half.

Pavi ignore dthe rude remark as he walked over towards a gold starfish. He poked it, "Poke-a, poke-a, poke-a." Now, children, let's call this starfish… Stan. Stan was a rather troubled starfish. He had twenty young mouths to feed back at home. Therefore, he was hiding. With twenty kids, you wouldn't be all too jolly nor happy, would you? Stan was tired of being berated by both his wife and human children with their neon pails of doom and the likes.

Pavi had put Stan over the edge. The starfish flew onto the younger male's face. Stan latched his appendages (or arms, what have you) onto each metal hook (shouldn't metal get extremely hot in the sun? Conductivity, oh ho ho…). If someone attempted to pull off the sea critter, then Pavi's face would "fall" off similar to Amber's when she belted out 'Blame Not My Cheeks.' We're getting ahead of ourselves, however.

"My-a face!" Yet another effeminate shriek.

All of the sudden, in a vivid motion, Luigi punched Pavi. Stan refused to budge. Inwardly, the starfish snickered. Paviche cried out in dismay, "What was-a that for-a!"

"I was giving you a makeover, Jackass."

"Really?" He sounded hopeful, though his voice was ultimately muffled by the crustacean.

"No, Faggo. I was trying to get the fucking thing off of you."

"D'aww…"

It was hopeless. Both Pavi and Luigi carried on with their shell-hunting. Luigi picked up a shell, "How 'bout this one?" Pavi stood in a different direction, oblivious to his brother's movement. _So-a… This was-a what it was-a like to be-a blind for-a Mag. No wonder she-a went and got surgery!_

"I-a can't see-a it."

"Well… It looks like your face. But prettier. Since yours is as ugly as sin."

"Oh! Put it-a in!" Again, Pavi was terribly vain. Everyone knew this. He didn't take a moment's notice to think that Luigi was poking fun at him. Then again, when did Pavi think? Let's hope that he did and enjoyed blocking out all of the snide remarks from his brother.

It continued this way for quite some time. Stan was growing hot and bothered. Not sexually. Ew, you freaks. Clinging to someone's face served no true purpose. The starfish finally detached himself from Pavi's face, falling into another pool. At least he didn't shrivel and burn in the sun unlike sparkling vampires.

"Aww… My-a new friend left-a the Pavi."

"You're so fucking weird," Luigi rolled his eyes.

"Let's-a have lunch!" Pavi clasped his hands together as he smiled broadly.

'Fine. Whatever… Freak."


	6. Lunch of Num Nums

_Chapter 6: Num Nums (Lunch) _

_Author's Note: Num Nums was inspired by my dad. He said it one night in place of 'dinner.' xD_

"_Time for-a num nums!" Pavi dropped the pail full of beautifully ornate shells on top of the beach blanket. Luigi stood clueless, blinking once. He arched a brow as he murmured, "What…?" Was his brother truly moronic or did he hold some underlying meaning? Luigi considered the first part of that question. Yeah. It fit._

"_Num nums," Pavi repeated the seemingly eccentric word once more._

"_Huh?"_

"_Num nums."_

"_Repita, por favor?"_

"_Num nums…" Pavi trailed off, his shoulders drooping slightly._

"_Stop speaking in another goddamned language that I can't fucking understand!" He angrily snapped, stomping his feet on top of the beige sand._

"_It's-a not! Num nums are-a food."_

"_What the freak is a num num?"_

_Pavi ignored Luigi's pensive stare, "Food."_

"_You're fucking hopeless, you know that?"_

_Pavi was already too long gone to hear as he basically waltzed towards the almighty Snack Shack. It should have been called the 'Shark Snack Shack.' Wouldn't that be a perfectly evil tongue twister? The teen cashier drummed his fingers on top of the counter as he waited for customers. It was a boring summer job that came with overall decent pay._

"_Welcome to Snack Shack. My name's Kit. How may I help you, Sir?" At least he didn't say… 'serve.'_

"_Si-a… Kit?" He lol'd. In other terms, he laughed out loud. Pavi regained his composure, smoothing out his dark locks of hair. He brushed the sand off of his slim body, "Where's-a Kat?"_

_Kit blinked, "Uh… She's in the back, Sir. Why?" There's a creepy pedophile. Somebody help meeeee. _So whimpered Kit's mind.

"You-a should be-a together!" The younger Largo clapped his hands together quite enthusiastically. Oh, how easily amused Paviche was. Kit's eyes bugged out as his face flushed. He tugged at the color of his t-shirt. He stuttered out his words, "What the- Why? Don't make me get security, Sir…"

"But-a! If you-a two were-a together, you'd make a Kit-a Kat!"

Kit stared blankly at Pavi. Was this man tripping on acid? Drunk? High? Flamboyantly gay? He couldn't pick out the difference. Kit cleared his throat, "So, you're saying… We'll become a candy bar."

"Si."

"…Really now?"

"Uh huh."

The cashier rolled his eyes once more, "Anyway. What can I get for you this afternoon? We have a wide selection of food. Take your pick." He looked at his wrist watch, desperately waiting for his shift to end.

"Well-a…" Paviche scanned the menu for what seemed to be over an hour. This would have been the perfect time to begin playing the theme song to Jeopardy. It's universal. Every country knows it. Shovel was positive of that. Finally, Luigi lost his temper and pushed Pavi out of the way.

"Hi, Peasant. I'm the fucking boss around here and I'll be ordering for both the douche and myself today."

"Uh, okay…"

"I'll get the Snickers Bar, the peanut butter jelly sandwich, two sodas, and a hot dog," he ultimately ignored the giggles from his occasionally immature little brother.

"That'll be fifteen buckaroos."

"WHAT!" Luigi was right to exclaim that! Who the hell says buckaroos!

"It's the beach, Sir. Everything costs triple the original prices plus tax." Grumbling, Luigi forked over the cash. After waiting for a few more minutes, they walked back to their general location. In unison, they plopped down onto the towel.

Flurp. The hot dog slid out of the bun and into the sand.

"….Awwww, crap." Now they had a sand dog.

"Bury-a it."

"The fuck?"

"Bury."

"Why…?"

"So you-a don't have to-a throw it-a out."

"I don't get it."

"You-a! You-a bury the-a wiener! What's-a not to-a get? Bury the-a length-" At this point, people were staring once more. What exactly were the Largo fratelli discussing? It sounded wrong and downright disturbing.

"Did they kill an innocent, little taco bell dog?" A hushed whisper. A murmur.

"A WIENER DOG. NOT A CHIHUAHUA," a random fellow hollered in response.

"…" Luigi quickly buried it without giving the thing a proper funeral and eulogy. They moved onto their sandwiches. Pavi examined his, squinting his eyes as he did so. Something was strange about it. He couldn't quite put his finger on the notion… He shrugged, before realizing what was wrong.

"There's-a sand in-a the Pavi's sandwich."

"That's why it's called a sandwich, Dunce."

"Awww… The 'playboy' (oh ho ho ho ho ho) really did sound a tad disappointed. An idea flicked within his tiny, walnut sized brain. He threw the sandwich directly at Luigi's face, "Hah! You like-a that? You-a want a piece of the Pavi!"

"The fuck was that for!" Luigi wiped the pieces of bread and peanut butter from his face in utter disgust.

"How does it-a feel to-a have sand in your-a wich? How-a does it-a feel, bitch?" Pavi demanded. Luigi couldn't help but to blink. What the hell was wrong with his brother? No matter what, it was the little bitch's fault. The bitch being Pavi's mother. The woman was most likely laced with various diseases in order to give birth to such a genetic defect.

"You-a wound the Pavi's soul!" A sniffle. Luigi gave another strange look before reaching for his beverage. He gave his idiotic brother a 'wtf' face. _Crap. Now I gotta come up with some badass remark._ "Well… It felt really fuckin' nice!" Sluuuuuuurp. He had to cover _that_ one up for sure.

"Uh… What?"

"You heard me, you bastard!" What? He was one. Pavi blinked out of sheer confusion. Luigi sniggered, because 'sniggered' is definitely a word that exists in our urban dictionary. Such a strange, strange word…

Slurp.

Slurp.

A mutual slurp.

Sluuuuuuurp.

Sluuuuuuurp.

And so on and so forth.

"Ah!" Pavi cried out in the utmost despair, "My-a brain! It-a burnssss."

"What?" Luigi gasped in mock surprise, "You had a brain? You cease to amaze!" The older male bit down into his candy bar, only to feel a brisk chill. The Snickers Bar was thoroughly frozen. How could this work, you ask? Who knows and who cares. Luigi grumbled, "I'm complaining to the goddamned manufacturing company." And so he did.

Lunch or num nums, rather, proved to be a truly unique experience.


	7. On teh, Yes teh, Shore

"We-a have to-a wait thirty minutes before-a going into the-a water," Pavi lightly reprimanded Luigi as the two headed towards the, yes the, shore. Why 'teh'? Because it made everything sound so much funnier than it should be or weirder…

Luigi snorted, "Bullshit. That's an old wives' tale. Science fuckin' proves that-" But Paviche Largo was already lost. Science was not his area of interest nor would it ever be. Upon mention the words 'science' or 'math,' the younger Largo would be in La La Land. The only reason he made it through school had been his connections in life. Namely, his father. It's a wonder that society was still corrupt. Pavi's interest hovered towards GenTerns, beauty, and obvious human needs.

The Italian playboy combed a hand through his hair as he lovingly gazed into his mirror. The sun reflected itself within the looking glass. Pavi screamed out, "My-a eyes!" He dropped the mirror for once (Egads!). Now, children… This is where you run for the hills. When Pavi Largo drops his mirror, the world is coming to an end. The apocalypse is nigh. He arched his head back in pain, covering his eyes.

"You're one stupid fuck, Pavi."

"Na na na na na na na na na!"

"Who the fuck's that!" An angry demand as always.

It was the girl with the red cap again. She ran towards the ocean with a small, blue body board in her grasp. The lifeguard blew his whistle, telling her to "Put it away." Normally, she would have laughed at the silly innuendo, but instead she turned away with a heavy amount of dejection that rested upon her shoulders.

"Luigi, look!" Pavi pointed at something or other. For a moment, Luigi was certain that his brother was gesturing towards the girl, but noooo… It had to be some guy. Boy, was this guy gross. He probably thought that he looked pretty good. Sexy, even. Hell, he probably never saw the light of day until now… Luigi shuddered in revulsion.

"Moobs-a!"

"The fuck're those things! That's freaking disgusting. He deserves to be killed for being so goddamned fugly. Better yet, the dude needs to be shot. Or shanked. Yeah, shanked…." Luigi covered his mouth, shaking his head. Pavi giggled like a child, "They're-a moobs."

"I think I just lost my eyesight."

"Lol."

"What?"

"I-a said, 'Lol'."

"No chat speak, you fucking NOOB," Luigi pulled out his knife out of seemingly nowhere, stabbing a random passerby who now flinched on the sand. It looked like they were having a seizure… Why not stab Pavi? Well, like it or not, the snot-nosed brat was family. He couldn't kill family… Yet. At least, he couldn't until the ol' geezer finally croaked.

"Oh ho ho! How big and pointy!" Then, that person died as well. He died as he lived: Making an innuendo.

"Can-a we go-a in the-a water yet?"

"You said 'No' before."

"I-a did not! I-a said 'Yes' to-a you."

"Whore," someone coughed under their breath.

"…What're you taking about? I don't wanna rape you. That's nasty. You have STDs amongst other nasty shit I don't wanna catch."(Special Side-Note: I don't support rape in reality. It's disgusting and low. It is a horrific thing that is done for the power trip. How can someone commit such a heinous act? So again, I do not support rape and apologize if this is quick to offend. After all, this is an offensive parody).

"…Aheh," Pavi rolled across the beach blanket like a ninja. He pulled something out of the bag. 'Lo and behold, he produced two items that were wrapped in some sort of ripped one of them open, "I'm-a going to-a blow something."

Startled, Luigi scrambled upright. His eyes widened drastically. Offended (or something), the Largo drew back. He flinched, "What the fuck, man? I always knew you were gay. I. ALWAYS. KNEW."

"…" Pavi pointed to the plastic item.

"It's a blow-up doll, isn't it?"

"No-a. The Pavi doesn't bring-a such things to-a the beach."

"Riiiiiight," Luigi gave him a 'I believe you' look. Pavi huffed, gathering air in his genetically perfect lungs. He placed his lips on the inner tube opening... With another inhalation of air, he blew. Feel free to make jokes at this point in the story. There's plenty of innuendoes and giggles for all.

"You fucking suck. See? You are! But you're not. You're blowing." A sweat drop appeared over Pavi's head. Luigi gave a wicked snicker, "Snarf."

"A-what?"

"Snarf."

Choke.

"Snarf."

Choking.

"SNARF, FAG, SNARF."

Alas, after many a snarf, Pavi finished blowing up the two inflatable animals. One was a duck and the other was a dolphin. Simplistic animals for simplistic creatures. Pavi handed the duck over to Luigi whom gave him a defiant glare.

"I don't need this."

"But they're-a fun, Fratello!" Pavi protested.

"Then, I want the fucking dolphin. They're smarter. And tough. I'm the smartest AND the toughest, after all." So, that's how Luigi came up with one of his lines for 'Mark It Up'… He continued, "If I have to, I will make a hole and blank it." Oh snap. Was Luigi just censored? Yes, yes he was. Apparently, that was the most offensive part of this crack fic.

"But dolphins are-a prettiful?" Pavi lamely countered back.

"And I'm not?" Don't worry Bill, er Luigi, we effing love you.

"…" An awkward silence befell amongst the two. They rose, walking towards the shore. A lifeguard hopped down from his post, running to the Largo fratelli. He struck a muscular pose. To be honest, the lifeguard looked a bit like Rocky from the _Rocky Horror Picture Show_. Actually, he looked like Rocky's clone. The lifeguard shouted, "Hey! Dudes! You can't bring those in the water! Or, like, you'll drift towards an island or sumthin'!" Definitely not Rocky.

"Oh yeah?" Luigi sunk his treasured blade deep within the man's chest."Awh! Fratello! He was-a so strong and-a handsome. Why'd you-a have to keel-a him?"

"He was fucking annoying." A low grunt.

Pavi sighed. He grabbed his inner tube, jogging towards the tide with extreme dramatization. His hair flipped over into hiss face. Eyelashes fluttered dreamily. Everything slowed down to but a crawl. It was indeed slow motion. It was… Bay Watch.

"What. The. Shit."

Luigi was right to say that.

This was not Bay Watch.

This. Was. REPO!


	8. Water Rats

Pavi ran through the water or he at least made an attempt to do so. He looked like a deficient horse, galloping across unfamiliar terrain. The inner tube rested upon his head. It was a new style; a new fashion. Now, without a doubt, when anyone went to the beach… They, too, would wear a dolphin inner tube upon their heads.

"Come-a in! The water is-a good!"

Luigi frowned. The crease in his brow deepened. He took a step forward… The water was frigid. It was as cold as a bucket full of ice. The action sent him into a fit of uncontrollable shivers, "Fuck! Pavi! You fucking lied!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!

"NUH-A FUCKING UH-A!"

"YES. FUCKING. TOO."

"Yuh-a huh!" Pavi pointed to Luigi's current location, "You're-a in a-uh cold spot." Luigi stepped out of the area. He trudged towards Pavi. There was instant relief (OH HO HO. Laugh, you immature folks! … Shovel's laugh, too, if that makes you feel any better).

"…Oh." Pavi flushed a knowing look.

The older male twitched with a spasm of anger. He hated his brother. He hated being wrong. Then again, "Luigi fuckin' Largo's never fuckin' wrong!" To be honest, Luigi hated a long list of things that included whining, bitches, snitches, Amber, Pavi, Marni Wallace, Nathan Wallace, kittens, sharks, grass (as in the stuff that we mow).. And so on and so forth.

"I'm bored. Aren't we supposed to do something?"

"This-a isn't sex, Fratello."

"…Your mind is a frightening place."

Pavi merely giggled in response. All of the sudden, he pounced on Luigi. He placed his hands on his brother's shoulders, propelling himself in the air. As a result, Luigi went _down. _It was like grade school all over again, but the other way around if that made any sense whatsoever.

"RAEP," Luigi cried out. Yes, it's meant to be misspelled. He flailed his arms in the air. Would anyone save him? …Nope.

"Dunk-a, dunk-a, dunk-a."

Luigi gurgled underneath the salt water. His genetically modified lungs ached for long deprived oxygen. Oh, didn't that sound deep? He punched Pavi… Where it would hurt the most. Girls could never comprehend or understand. (Shovel being a girl can't understand why guys roll around on the floor.) Then again, guys can never understand the pain girls go through- (Off topic! AF, unfortunately, is not here to smack Shovel to get her back on topic.)

Pavi cried out in sheer dismay, jumping away. He whimpered like a neglected, abused animal. Wasn't that a lovely image? Luigi grunted, "Serves you right."

"But-a… But-a… The Pavi was-a teaching you-a how to-a swim!"

"I already know how to swim, you fucking idiot!"

"Oh-a! The last-a time we-a went swimming… You were-a afraid of the-a…" Luigi clamped a hand over Pavi's mouth to prevent him from talking anymore.

"-Water monsters," his voice was quite muffled and inaudible. Luigi hissed out like a ticked feline, "The last time we went swimming was when we were kids. That doesn't count. If you tell anyone, then I'll fucking strangle you in your sleep. Understand?

Pavi nodded.

"Good."

"You could-a strangle me-a anytime," the Pavi wiggled his brows followed by a sardonic smirk.

"Get 'cher mind outta the goddamned gutter."

"But I was-a serious…"

"That's just effed up, Dude."

The roars of a jet ski were audible within the forlorn distance. A rider drove past both Pavi and Luigi, dosing them with a huge tidal wave of water. They looked like… Water Rats. Yes, Shovel did coin that word, term, or whatever you'd like to call it. Luigi clenched his teeth and balled his hands into tight fists. The rider drove in rapid circles around the two, leaving bewildered expressions painted across their faces.

The driver took off his helmet… It was… Steve Bob McSteve. Yes, our tragic figure returned! Both the Hench Girls and Luigi had supposedly rid of him after the Largo brothers' hectic return from the zoo. Yet, here he stood. The Largo fratelli gasped in shock.

"Oh-a no!"

"Oh shit."

"I, Steve Bob McSteve, have returned! Ha ha ha!" The Repo Man gave a bashful look. He whipped off the wet suit, showing off his speed and curled chest hairs. Shovel cringed as she had written that. The two brothers shuddered, eyes twitching. Steve pointed at them, "I demand my pay in chocolate and porn!" Every time he spoke, it sounded as if he was a very poor voice over from an old anime.

"Go buy some you fucking loser."

"MY BOSS SHOULD BUY IT."

Luigi picked up a rock, throwing it in the distance. It made a large 'plunk' sound, sinking to the bottom. Luigi pointed, "LOOK! I threw your chocolate and porn collection!" Steve gasped, driving after it. But oh… Steve would return. Luigi rolled his eyes as the sheer idiocy. If possible, Steve was dumber than Pavi; keyword being possible.

"Gah! Luigi! Help-a the Pavi! Rape-a! Rape-a! Rape-a!" Nope, Pavi was definitely a dumb shit. Luigi dunked under the water, spying seaweed that was currently wrapped around Pavi's slim ankle. The salt stung his eyes. He bubbled to the surface with a breath of fresh air. He grumbled, "You dumb ass, it's just seaweed."

"But I-a can't get it-a off!" Luigi giggled at that. …He never giggled. Only sniggered. Pavi froze, _Luigi's an alien! That's not mi fratello! _Luigi's thought: _Can't get it off. Hah._ The older brother flicked out a knife, diving under to cut Pavi free. By accident or presumably on purpose, Luigi nicked Pavi. A small amount of blood trickled away.

Luigi swam towards the surface. Pavi grimaced, "It-a burns." The other simply shrugged. It served him right. Something large loomed in the nearby distance. It was a gray fin poking up. Then another. Then another. Double that. Triple that. Quadruple that.

"Fuck a duck."

"A-what?"

They were sharks, closing in on their prey. As you read this, the Jaws theme song is most likely playing within your mind. OOOO. How psychic of me! Anyway… They continued to circle the fratelli.

"…" Pavi pushed Luigi towards the sharks. He cried out, "Take-a him! I'm-a too pretty!" Luigi punched Pavi with all his might, "Fuck you, you fucking wimp! Fucking traitor! Pawning me off to the fucking sharks!"

The sharks popped up one by one with smiles on their faces (if that were possible). They turned out to be cheap imposters. In other words… Dolphins! Steve Bob McSteve was with the dolphin party, laughing triumphantly once more, "Ha ha ha! That's what you get for deceiving me!" They groaned and eventually swam away.


	9. Dem Gulls Are Vicious

**Author's Note:** I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to update this. ;3; I've been so busy that it's terrible. I'm still in school. Less than a week is left, now. I just want to thank you all for being so patient with me. Finals are this week, unfortunately. Everything else is slapping me in the face. I'm a busy beaver this summer which is unnatural for me. o-o Anyway, I'm really glad you all are enjoying the fic since it's so... crackish?

* * *

As the Largos swam, the tide became lower and lower. Finally, it reached low tide. Something prevented Pavi from propelling forward. He frowned, uselessly kicking his arms and legs. Pavi blinked. In all reality, he looked like a flailing turtle… That happened to be right side up rather than on his back. Luigi repressed the urge to roll his eyes. The older brother stood up as the water pooled around his ankles.

"Hey, Fucker, your knees are stuck in the sand."

"Oh-a…" Pavi wriggled so that he, too, stood. He cupped a hand over his line of sight, gazing into the nearby distance. The Italian let out a high-pitched whistle that echoed… IN THEIR MINDS. Oh ho ho. He turned to his sibling, "Why does the-a beach seem so-a far away-a?"

"It's because you're a waste of genetics."

"YOU-A WOUND MY-A SOUL, LUIGI. MY-A SOUL."

Luigi stared blankly, "You've been watching too many soap operas. I guess that explains your current IQ." He pushed Pavi, thinking the water was the same depth everywhere else. How wrong he was… They were on a sand bar. There was a small 'plop' as Pavi went under water. He swam towards the surface, in dire need of oxygen.

"What-a happened? Where did the-a sand go-a? Why did it-a leave me?"

Luigi snorted, "We were on a sand bar. Be careful here you walk or fucking swim, dumb ass. I'd rather personally kill you rather than having the _ocean_killing you." D'aww. Was that a moment of brotherly love? No? Well, it's the closest you'll get. This isn't smut, unfortunately (lolololol on Shovel's behalf). This is a dirty comedy.

"Oicee."

"...The fawk?"

"The-a Pavi said, 'Oicee'."

"Speak clearly, douche-fag."

"Oicee."

"Enunciate, damnit! Or I will shoot you in the FACE."

"I-a see..."

"There. Was that so fucking hard?"

"No-a."

After their habitual bickering, they finally made it to the shore. Many people had left the beach by this time, though heads still turned for the Largo fratelli. There was a wolf whistle. Luigi waved an imaginary or invisible knife. He shouted, "Stfu!", and there was silence.

"Look at all the-a gulls, Brother!" Pavi pointed with his finger at the flock. _Hur hur. A Flock of Seagulls. And I ran... I ran so far away...~ I couldn't get away._Oh, how Pavi remembered the eighties which was a decade he was not alive during, but that was another story.

"Yeah... Rats of the sea. Fuckin' sea rats..." Oh no. Was Luigi having a _Moby Dick_ moment? )(Shovel also apologizes for all of the allusions that none or some can comprehend. It's how the story flows, yo.)

Luigi remembered the snail. He sniffled. Actually sniffled. Pavi arched a brow, questioningly, as he gave him a peculiar look. Luigi picked up his serrated blade off of the towel, running out at the seagulls. They angrily squawked as they flapped their wings in unison. He swung his knife in the air, flailing about. The gulls evaded the attack with ease.

At first, Pavi stared with a blank expression. Then, he became bored and went on the prowl for some women. That's how Pavi Largo rolls. Meanwhile, Luigi continued to duke it out with the birds. No matter how many he hit or chased away, they continued to return like the Chesire Cat. At one point, Luigi was covered with seagulls as they perched on him. Their eyes were truly soulless...

He growled lowly. Little did he know that one of these birds happened to be a fraud, a cheap impostor. One of them was a robot. It was used in order to record the Largo's day at the beach. It was, indeed, a tool for the paparazzi, but they did not know that. They wouldn't realize that until later on that evening. Anyway, the gulls simultaneously pecked at Luigi.

He ran in circles, trying to get the pesky critters off of his body. A snail happened to crawl by at that exact moment. The seagulls developed ADD and flew onto the said snail. Luigi brushed himself off with a grimace, "What the hell... I fucking hate seagulls." They, being the birds, turned to glare at him in unison yet again. Luigi cleared his throat, "Hate as in like." They continued to peck at the poor snail.

Luigi exhaled a sigh of relief. He tossed his knife onto the towel once more. He proceeded to look for his younger brother whom was rolling around with some chi- dude. His eyes widened. Luigi mentally vomited. _Yet another thing I never want to fucking see._He scooped Pavi up, dragging him away. The guy mouthed the words, "Call me."

"The fuck're you doing?"

"Ah... Fucking around?" Pavi replied with a giggle.

"That's it. I think we need to go home now."

"Why?" Paviche pouted.

"I'm hot. I'm tired. I'm done."

"Lol-a. Look who's-a hot and-a bothered."

"You dweeb."

Pavi merely grinned. The flock of seagulls waddled past. Luigi pointed, "And that. That is also why I want to go home." They turned to glare at Luigi with a burning passion. In other words, they loved to hate. Who knew that seagulls were haters? Pavi looked at the gulls and then at Luigi. He did this for a few seconds. It was apparent that he missed something, but what?

"Okay, Brother. You-a win."

"Ho ho! First time I've heard you say that. Fuck yes!" He pumped a fist.

Pavi shrugged, "Your-a wish is my-a command."

"Stop sounding like a porn genie and call the fucking limo driver."

A grin rose on Pavi's face as he went to retrieve the wrist communicator. Finally, they were going home after a day of sheer insanity.


	10. Running Home

Chapter 10: Running Home

The chauffeur was driving at a leisurely pace. He drummed his fingers on the top of the steering wheel. Then, he received the not-so-life-changing call. The call that would vaguely affect his career, but not really. He arched a brow, answering with a modest 'Hello.'

"Quiero tú niños."*

"Uh… Pardon?"

"Digo que quiero tú niños"*

"I'm sorry. The call you have placed did not go through. Please try again later,"  
the driver spoke in a bland monotone as he heard a swear on the other line. _From what I know, that's Spanish and not Italian._

"Well-a… Signor, can you-a pick us up now… Bello? Gratzi."

The driver nearly died from laughter. _LOLOLOL. He called me Bello. That's absolutely terrifying! One day there will be a restraining order, I swear. _ He repressed the urge to physically explode with laughter, "Y-yes, Sir." Then, he was off.

"It's-a done." Didn't that sound like a line from a lame movie?

"Stop being a Drama Queen and overall bitch, Pavi. I didn't kill anyone… Yet." Insert shifty eyes here. The keyword was 'yet.' All the readers know that he's bound to knock around some hoes (being whores or garden implements)… (That line made Shovel lose it in Algebra. Oh, the things I write…) Anyway, a rock flew by them. The Largo fratelli blinked once, staring with blank expressions.

"AHMAHGAWD. I LUUUUV RAWKS. 3" Whoever could that be? Well, if readers recall _Luigi's Peculiar Journey_… Ah, screw it. It's Ludo from that weird, trippy fan fiction. He staggered by the two. His hands ran over his face and lean body as the emo man continued to rant about rocks. Apparently, there was something called 'little e'. Okay then. Let's not question that one.

Ludo wore a pair of black swimming trunks that matched his hair. His eyes were a vibrant shade of green. For a split second, he looked at Luigi. Their eyes met and, no, it was not love. That would be horrific, weird, and awkward. It would make an interesting pairing- YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO TO ME? This fan fiction if slash and crack as it is.

"I think I know him… I've seen him before…" What? An alley? Pavi gave Luigi a look as if to say, 'You tapped that. Ew. Gross. Ho ho ho.'

Out of amusement, Pavi produced a bag of pop rocks from seemingly nowhere. He opened it, throwing it at Ludo. The rock fanatic rolled around on the sand, devouring both pop rocks and sand in the process. Luigi curled his lip in disdain. Pavi giggled.

"RAWKS. RAWKS. TASTE SO GOOD. MMMYEHS. RAWKS. RAWKS," Ludo shortly ran away afterwards to prevent any grammar hounds from attacking him.

"Never mind, I lied. I don't know it."

"Now it's a-uh it?"

"Yeah, like you and your face." Ho ho. Snap.

"Ouch-a." Who knows why Pavi puts up with it? Maybe it was the slash. Maybe it was because of the availability of the GENterns at GeneCo.

They began to walk towards the beach's parking lot. A high pitched squeal prevented them from doing so. Then, a scream was followed by several footsteps. The Largos turned around to meet their ultimate nightmare: fan girls. There is something that you must know about fan girls. They are rabid. They enjoy slash. They also come in herds. All of this is never a good combination.

"Have my babies, Pavi!"

"Ohhh, Luigi~!"

"Weegee!"

"Pav!" Yes, Pav. …Who would even call him that?

"WE LOVE YOU." They most likely were carrying signs to prove their love as well.

Those were but a few of the various phrased uttered. The brothers proceeded to flee. Pavi ran backwards, "Well, bellas! All of-a that sounds-a very tempting, but the-a Pavi will-a have to-a take a-uh rain check." He winked. Luigi dragged him away by the scruff of his neck.

"That's it. Limo driver's too fucking slow. We're running home," Pavi tried to protest. It failed since protests are like rape. They're inevitable. By rape, Shovel means being exposed by society and the media. Luigi snorted in contempt, "This is you're goddamned fault."

"That's not-a true! You attracted some-a! The ugly ones that-a is."

Luigi punched Pavi. The chauffeur drove past them. He noticed this, swerving on the road. He quickly gained control, rolling down the window.

"The door's unlocked. Hurry, Sirs! Hop in!"

They jumped into the moving vehicle, abruptly locking the doors. That was a close one. They could have been stomped to death! Or worse! Accidents, after all, don't end in murder! (Shovel needs to stop incorporating lines from the movie now.)

"Don't get in too much trouble now, okay?" The driver smiled, followed by a small chuckle.

"Stfu."

"Luigi! Be-a nice…" Was he even capable of being kind or displaying gratitude? The universe would explode if that were possible.

The chauffeur drove away as soon as they stepped out of the dark vehicle. They walked into their home unscathed. Their epic adventure was already displayed on the television. Pavi burst into his father's office in order to distract Rotti from watching it. The Hench Girls lowered their guns upon seeing the youngest son. He wasn't much of a threat.

"Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa. Papa."

"_What_ Paviche?"

"-And now, Sanitarium News, our local media source presents the Largos'…"

Rotti arched a brow upon hearing his family now. His temper was steadily rising. All of the sudden, Luigi randomly threw a machete at the TV to silence it. The sharp blade reduced the device to mere bits and pieces.

"What was that?" The 'King' of GeneCo demanded after hearing the loud crash.

"Nothing," Pavi replied in a sing-song tone and a simply shrug of his shoulders. He rocked back and forth on his heels, imitating the behavior of an (not-so) innocent child.

"We-a went to-a the beach."

"You did?"

"Si."

"Was there pollution? Any genetically mutated creatures? Trash? Scum?"

"I-a don't know… What-a matters is that we-a had a-uh good time-"

"Then, I don't care," he answered coldly.

"Oh-a… Okay. Ciao, Papa."

"That's nice, "Rotti mumbled under his breath as he continued to fill out paperwork. Paviche sulked out of the room with his head hung down. No pun intended. He looked up to see Luigi who looked as red as a lobster. He burst into a fit of effeminate giggles and laughter. Luigi glared, wanting to strangle his brother.

"EVERYTHING BURNS. It's like Hell. Only worse. And hotter. Oh shit, fuck a duck!" Interesting use of profanity there.

"You'll-a have a-uh great tan-a, though."

Luigi gave Pavi a questioning look. The younger brother merely shrugged his shoulders, followed by his signature grin. It was an eventful day for the two. Then again, something beyond average was normal for the Largos.

"Luigi?"

"What?"

"Te amo, Fratello."

"I hate you, too."

They turned their backs against each other. As Pavi walked away, the trademark grin grew wider. The distance increased between them. In the end, they retreated to their separate lives.

**Translations: ***I want your kids.

*I said that I want your kids.

Now, you could interpret that as the fact that Pavi wants to kidnap his kids or he wants to actually _have _the chauffeur's kids. Hur hur.

**Gratitude**: I give thanks to Aquaflame68, ChaosandMayhem, Jack Naiper, and a lot of other people for giving me ideas. And everyone else. :3

**Author's Note: **-Tosses freshly baked cookies in the air.- One more fic done and dusted! I'd like to thank-you all for being so patient with me. School's just about over, but it's been so stressful. Senior year is approaching and it's terrifying. I'm happy that so many enjoyed this fan fiction and the series in general. You guys keep me going. 3 I hope you all have a splendid summer. Don't worry. More fics will come.


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